Nuevo California

I normally try to avoid E-mail forwards like I try to avoid Rush Limbaugh rallys but this one from one of my friends was too good to pass up...


Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving.We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,

Author Unknown in New California

Schiavo 3: The Return

This Just In....

Right wing activist Randall Terry, Spiritual Leader James Dobson and Governor Jeb Bush have been found digging up the remains of Terry Schiavo claiming that she's not actually been cremated but that actually she's only in a state of "minimal ashy consciousness." They were found at the scene with shovels, plastic zip-lock bags, and super glue. More at 11

Ok, so not only was Terri Schiavo's brain withered down to half it's size, but she was also blind. This prognosis is according to a SCIENTIFIC AUTOPSY done last week. I capitalized those words because even the facts no longer seem to matter to the Christo-Facist-Zombie Brigade led by the Randall Terry's and James Dobson's of the world. Their collective response to this was that it didn't matter because they know what they saw on that heavily-edited three minute stretch of tape that showed her eyes ( which were BLIND!) "following" a mylar balloon. Yeah, that proves alot. I wonder if they've ever heard of the "infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters" theory which says that due to random variables given an infinite amount of time that the afforementioned monkey's could accidentily type out the entire works of Shakespeare? That is what really happened in that video that was paraded around but who are they to let a little reality invade their pre-concieved notions of her condition. At least Jeb Bush has given up on denying reality however he still wants to investigate why michael Shiavo didn't jump fast enough or something when he called 911 fifteen years ago. you can't get the guy to restore poeple's voting rights or investigate fraud but Whoo-ee, you bring him just one Christian Right cause to jump on and he moves faster than GW dodging another "smoking gun memo" about Iraq.To me the whole thing is just ridiculous and I can't believe I've written this much about it already.


On a lighter note, that bastion of CONSERVATIVE-christian journalism, "World Magazine", has it's own blog site and i did a quick check and not one mention of the "Downing Street Memo" yet there are six stories on Terry Schiavo. I will give them credit though, at least they don't refer to her as "Terry" ( like they knew her) like jeb, Dobson, O'Reily, and Scarbourough did.

I freely admit that I will never understand these people's obsessions with life and death issues and how taking someone off a feeding tube is bad, yet cutting off their oxygen is Ok. And how euthanasia is bad yet the death penalty is fine. Furthermore that abortion is absolutly wrong, yet bombing children is OK. Even though I didn't agree with about 95% of his statements and beliefs, I will give credit to Pope John Paul in that at least he was consistant in his feelings on life being that he was anti-war, anti-abortion,pro- social reform in regards to the poor, and anti-death penalty. These "folks" on the other hand seem to only care about life when it involves a white person in a coma, 3-day old zygotes, or someone dying of cancer. Other than that, yer on yer own.